Tuesday, January 27, 2015

How to Build a Snowman (If You Want To)


*trigger warning for fans of the movie Frozen

  1. Take photo of pajama-wearing tot sitting in window gazing at snow. Feel content that you have captured the feel of the day for posterity. If the photo is printed and shoved in a shoe box, know that the child will find it as an adult and gratefully realize that hers was a Norman Rockwell childhood. Hate yourself for not being dressed in snow gear after four hours of consciousness. 
  2. Upload to Facebook photo of child playing in the snow to prove you were organized enough to get child to the street for five minutes.  
  3. Freeze hands taking off gloves to manipulate teeny buttons on cell phone to grab above spontaneous snapshot. Tromp home.
  4. Curse at Mac and make joke on Facebook about the movie Frozen and Mac computers.
  5. Be pleased that other people hate Macs too and are also sticking their children in front of Youtube on a picturesque day worthy of Courier and Ives.
  6. Hate yourself. Central Park is a few blocks away, you lazy, spineless parent-person!
  7. Drag child up to roof of apartment building to frolic for ten more minutes. Don’t take photos when child cries because you forgot her mittens and now her hands are red and chapped.Tell yourself she wouldn't wear them, anyway. Listen as she convinces you she absolutely would have. Tromp home. 
  8. Find Youtube videos of ANY movie except Frozen, as Frozen is banned in your house. End up watching clips from Enchanted, because it’s a parody. Bless Amy Adams and her crew of singing cockroaches.
  9. Give in and let child watch clip from Frozen because you have never heard the damned song or seen the damned movie. Hate it more than you expected. Instruct child she may sing song only if she does so in a mocking tone that demonstrates her precocious recognition that Disney is increasingly mawkish and trite. Secretly prefer Cinderella and Peter Pan because the acting is so much better and their eyes are not bewilderingly huge and their movements don’t look like a lampoon of regional musical theatre performers. 
  10. Windex everything in house. It’s easier than getting a child into her mittens, so by comparison, it feels fun. This gets house clean.
  11. Upload another photo, because being on Facebook means you are out in the world.
  12. Keep hating Frozen, but try to let it go.


  1. My mom got her four kids (age 10, 8, 7, and 4) all bundled up for a snow day walk in the woods in our backyard. Shortly after embarking, I fell and started crying. She asked what was wrong, and all I could say was, "I don't know, I think I fell on a thorn or something, wahhh!" She told me (age 10) to go back home while she and the rest of the kids continued on the walk, years later saying "don't you know how much WORK it takes to get everyone ready?" However, when I got home by myself and pulled off my snow pants, my leg was COVERED in blood. GUSHING blood. I had fallen on a rusty old plow piece (thanks, New England). Don't worry, she and the gang were home 15 minutes later and I got my stitches, but don't feel too much mom guilt re the mittens and snow. Worse things happen. Like stitches. Or having to bundle up FOUR kids in snow gear! Or having a 1 year old with the flu, like I do right now. Wahhhhh!

    1. I have a three year old with a fever and cough! it's awful! My sister has six kids and I have absolutely no idea how she gets them out of the house on even the pleasantest of spring mornings much less a bitter cold winter's day!

  2. Love it. I'm glad to see someone writing realistically about snow days. I was really looking forward to the snow day but the day wound up being awful & I think it was b/c it didn't match my expectations. My kids actually complained about me forcing them outside to go sledding. At the park we live NEXT to. With Friends. I hate kids.

    1. I feel certain I can make peace with snow days more readily than I can with Frozen!

  3. My daughter is older and I just don't feel like dealing with snow today, but I still made her go out. Cruel parent. Oh well. Maybe I'll let her watch Frozen later (which she loves and I hate).


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